teachers

In eleventh grade, i thought i was smart and clever and interesting. At this age, I wrote a short story about english teachers talking about their students in the Teachers' Lounge. It was based off of my own life--using the water cooler during track practice, listening to my english teacher kvetch as he treated me to root beers in the Ruby Tuesday's adjoining the school parking lot after hours. But it was also based off of Boston Public and in tune, very much, with Teachers. This Nick Nolte starpic takes comedic issue with the plot of the Michelle Pfeiffer mindfuck Dangerous Minds, or with the plot of Sisterhood Two: Back in the Habit (yes the real name) where the WHITE teachers gracefully glide in to Underpriveleged Overstuffed Downtown Public High Schools, prison rip-offs busting with kids with boomboxes blast white noise and pussy mammas boys get shanked. The plot here is insubstantial, but has all the lovable stock characters. The psycho "School Counselor" (who has a mental breakdown), the Good Hearted Lovable Wrongdoer ("Eddie"), the Nerds in Debate Class, the tried, tired teachstaff and the Hopeful Dreamer Teacher (Nolte) who tells it like it is and gets respect!

But I didn't like this movie for any of these reasons. It's a terrible movie with bad camera, bad dialogue, and a lot of "comic" actors who make a lot of "Comic" handgestures while other peoples heads are turned. No, I rented it because it has a really awesome cover design (an apple, about to explode) and because it stars CRISPIN GLOVER, who's failing math class. Teacher teach bends down and murmurs, touching his paper, "Don't you think you better carry the zero?" Perhaps Built to Spill was referencing the next scene when they wrote their emo anthem, because Crispin is all emo all the time. He bites this teachers hand and doesn't let go. The Prof screams like there's no tomorrow: "Get him off me! Get HIM off ME!" so that a weary Nolte comes-a-running, and atempts to pry doglike Crispin from his rival. The boys are on the floor, screaming while the other students jeer and leer.

Finally, pried apart, Crispin looks at the camera, wipes the smile off his face, and spits out a mouthful of blood and chunks of flesh and bone.

I laughed, I cried, I will play that scene on loop at my first son's bris.